MINDFUL BEHAVIOURAL CHANGE

SELF-COMPASSION

Life is difficult. Life is a challenging proposition for everyone. Mindfulness creates the option to lessen this challenge because mindfulness helps us observe and name our brain highways and make choices. Our beliefs about ourselves determine to a great extent what we say and what we do; how we interact with others and how we feel about ourselves.

A woman was referred by her physician. Twenty years ago she was in a horrific car accident. Her neck, right shoulder and right leg were broken. Her face had to be rebuilt. Since the accident she has experienced migraines, short-term memory loss and depression. The issue at present is that she does not feel compassion or understanding from her family. She tries to do everything she can for her children but they continue to neglect her. Her children treat her as if she is invisible and her mother shows her no respect.

She attributed most of these problems to her accident and how the family treated her since then. How she looked at the problem made sense to me but I still decided to ask a few questions.

“So, did your mother show you respect before the accident?”

“Are you kidding? My mother has been critical and mean to me my entire life. She expects me to do every thing for her but she does not even treat me as a human being.”

“OK, then the lack understanding, the neglect from her goes all the way back to childhood and she expected you to care for her even then?”

“Yes.”

“Would you say your adult children treat you in a similar way as your mother or different?”

“Hmm. Now that you mention it, they treat me like she treats me. Everybody expects me to do everything for them but nobody does anything for me. Not even a little kindness.”

“If I got this right, you have spent your life caring for others but no one really returns the favour??

“Yes.”

“So would it be fair to say that have you been waiting your entire life for someone to care for you and treat you with respect?

“Now that you put it that way, I think that is what I have been

doing. I have been waiting to be cared for.”

I have one last question. “How do you care for you?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, it seems you are wanting and expecting others to care for you and be nice to you and encourage you and even love you.”

“Yes, that’s what I have been saying”

“And you have spent your life catering to them to get them to respect you but all they do is use you more.”

“Right”

“So, I am wondering, ‘How do you care for you? How are you gentle with you? How do you show yourself some of the loving kindness you expect from others?’”

“I get what you mean. Hmmm, I really get it. I have been expecting others to be kind to me and I have been looking to them for my own self-respect and I have been neglecting me. I don’t have hobbies or even a life. I have just catered to my mother and kids forever.”

“I like to call that the CINDERELLA highway. It’s like you are lying in bed and before you even get out of bed you are thinking about what you can do for others because your self-worth is outwardly directed. You don’t have it in yourself but give it away to others and think only they can give it to you.”

“When you say it like that it is sort of funny.”

“I sort of think the brain highways we get caught on are rather funny and ridiculous. The good news is that we can take an exit ramp. For the next week, I want you to give yourself the behaviour you have been expecting from others. Be kind to you, be understanding to you, if you are tired, rest, if you want to do something fun for you, go do it. For the next week, practice kindness with yo

u. After all, it is your opinion of you that is most important.

If we are not mindful of the inner highways, they can determine our how we see others and our behaviour. Once we become mindful of the brain highways, we can see things more as they are and initiate behavioural change. When we are not mindful of them, we are like blind men examining an elephant. We end up confused and full of conflict.